{"id":9396,"date":"2023-11-09T21:19:44","date_gmt":"2023-11-10T03:19:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.olinca.edu.mx\/2023\/11\/09\/not-all-conflict-is-bullying\/"},"modified":"2025-03-04T16:35:14","modified_gmt":"2025-03-04T22:35:14","slug":"not-all-conflict-is-bullying","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.olinca.edu.mx\/en\/2023\/11\/09\/not-all-conflict-is-bullying\/","title":{"rendered":"Not All Conflict is Bullying: Teaching Students the Difference"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Everyday conflict can get in the way of academics in the middle grades. Kids need to learn the essential social competencies that will allow them to get back to productive learning.<\/h4>

By Paige Tutt<\/h4>

When she speaks to young teens and their parents about middle school, Phyllis Fagell likes to share a few data points\u2014and reactions are generally gasps of recognition from the adults and audible sighs of relief from kids.<\/p>

In sixth grade, only a third of friendships endure through the school year, research shows. If you ask middle school students to name a best friend, only half of the kids named will reciprocate and identify them as friends in return; by 12th grade, just 1 percent of middle school friendships remain intact.<\/p>

\u201cEvery single student is going to get rejected at some point during the middle school years,\u201d says Fagell, a middle school counselor and author of the book Middle School Matters. \u201cThese are the years when students are figuring out who they are and how they want to show up in the world.\u201d Along with that process comes a lot of fragility and instability, which can lead to conflict among peers and influence kids\u2019 general well-being as well as their academics.<\/p>

Meanwhile, the experiences kids have in middle school aren\u2019t objectively worse than at any other time in their lives, Fagell argues. Though they can be challenging formative years\u2014marked at times by impulsive decisions made by still-maturing brains and intense emotions amplified by hormonal changes\u2014they can be markedly tougher without a tool kit of interpersonal and social skills.<\/p>

These competencies are essential to navigating everyday setbacks\u2014failing a test, making mistakes on social media, misinterpreting social cues\u2014and without them, situations can escalate, making it difficult for kids to enter the classroom ready to learn.<\/p>

I sat down with Fagell, who visits 50 schools and organizations each year to present on topics like social sensitivity, bullying, and friendship, to discuss how schools can create healthy, positive cultures, why the middle grades are the perfect time for students to develop key social competencies, and how educators can play a role in this work.<\/p>

PAIGE TUTT:<\/strong> You caught my attention with a tweet about schools mistaking some of the typical social conflict experiences of middle school with bullying. Can you explain what you meant?<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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PHYLLIS FAGELL:<\/strong> I\u2019ve found that people often misunderstand what bullying is. Lots of mean behavior doesn\u2019t rise to the level of bullying, which can be identified by the three Ps: purpose, pattern, and power. With bullying, there is an intent to wound. It\u2019s not just a one-off comment; there\u2019s a pattern of interactions and a power imbalance.<\/p>

If you have two kids on the same footing who are simply having a disagreement or saying mean things to one another, that\u2019s not bullying\u2014that\u2019s meanness. There\u2019s no child who\u2019s going to go through the K\u201312 years without experiencing some meanness and probably dishing it out as well.<\/p>

TUTT:<\/strong> So in the middle grades, you\u2019re saying that social conflict is a very normal thing for students to experience?<\/p>

FAGELL:<\/strong> It\u2019s not only normal, it\u2019s imperative. Through conflict, kids learn how to take responsibility for their actions and how to pick \u201cright-fit\u201d friends.<\/p>

It\u2019s how they acquire social skills such as generosity, reciprocity, and active listening. It\u2019s how they learn to pick their battles, set good boundaries, apologize, and figure out when to forgive and let things go. These aren\u2019t just skills we need to thrive at school\u2014they\u2019re skills we need to successfully navigate work, relationships, and every other aspect of our lives.<\/p>

TUTT:<\/strong> Is there typically one major source of social conflict for middle schoolers?<\/p>

FAGELL:<\/strong> Essentially anything that strips a student of their sense of belonging.
If they\u2019re struggling with body image and something happens that makes them feel uncomfortable about their body; if they have a crush on someone and somebody shares that secret; if they have a learning challenge and someone makes fun of how long it takes them to answer a question\u2014any of these things might be the source of a conflict.<\/p>

If you\u2019re vulnerable, insecure, or worrying you\u2019re not good enough, it\u2019s going to be harder to assume someone didn\u2019t intentionally want to hurt your feelings.<\/p>

TUTT:<\/strong> How can adults help in these types of situations?<\/p>

FAGELL:<\/strong> As the adult, you\u2019re not trying to talk them out of their feelings, you\u2019re helping them develop the cognitive flexibility to avoid jumping to conclusions.<\/p>

They\u2019re going to have a gentler middle school experience if they don\u2019t constantly go to the worst case scenario. But even if they do accurately interpret that somebody was trying to hurt them, it\u2019s still important to work with them to focus less on catastrophizing and more on taking action.<\/p>

TUTT:<\/strong> I remember the idea of perception really started to crystallize for me in middle school: Feeling like an outsider, excluded from the pack\u2014it\u2019s a terrifying feeling. How can educators demystify popularity for middle schoolers when they covet it so deeply?<\/p>

FAGELL:<\/strong> Everyone knows who has social power, and it is real power. Popular kids are going to dictate what is considered cool and drive the behaviors of the kids who are in their orbit.<\/p>

You can\u2019t talk a kid out of wanting to be popular. The drive to fit in while simultaneously wanting to disappear, to be noticed and admired but also to blend in\u2014that tension is so acute in middle school.<\/p>

Adults can help by helping kids think more expansively about who they\u2019re with and how it makes them feel. Rather than tell kids who they should or shouldn\u2019t be friends with, ask questions or make observations:<\/p>

\u201cI noticed you laugh a lot when you\u2019re with Julie\u2014you seem really relaxed\u2014but when you\u2019re with Claire and the other girls, you seem really tongue-tied. What do you think is different about your friendship with Julie?\u201d<\/p>

TUTT:<\/strong> How can adults help kids be kinder and not give in to the desire or pressure to be mean?<\/p>

FAGELL:<\/strong> When you teach a kid how to parallel park, you might say, \u201cTurn the wheel to the left. Keep going. Now cut hard to the right.\u201d You\u2019re giving very specific instructions.<\/p>

But when it comes to being kind, we often say things like, \u201cTreat other people the way you want to be treated\u201d or \u201cBe a good person.\u201d We make the assumption that kids know what that looks like and what that means.<\/p>

But being kind involves a very specific set of social skills that kids need to be taught.<\/p>

At the same time, it\u2019s incumbent on adults to call out meanness in real time. Start by having a nonjudgmental conversation with that child away from peers.<\/p>

Kids need those bumper lanes in the bowling alley.<\/p>

TUTT:<\/strong> Like parallel parking, do kids need time to practice this?<\/p>

FAGELL:<\/strong> Definitely. To help that process, I have students do a Compliment Circle. They each put their name at the top of a piece of paper and then write down an authentic compliment for everybody in class.<\/p>

Of course, because they\u2019re middle schoolers, I add the caveat, \u201cIf you have nothing nice to say, say nothing. And if you feel like you need to be silly, say nothing.\u201d<\/p>

Part of that lesson is to operationalize kindness, but part of it is also to help them connect with one another. By operationalizing it, I really mean equipping students with a set of pro-social skills that help them be a good friend and lift other people\u2019s spirits. And in turn, that\u2019s likely to benefit them as well because it changes the school\u2019s culture.<\/p>

TUTT:<\/strong> In class, say kids aren\u2019t raising their hands because peers make fun of them, for example. What should happen after you call out the negative behavior?<\/p>

FAGELL:<\/strong> If there\u2019s an issue that keeps coming up, or you\u2019re dealing with a biting culture in the classroom, have a conversation about it. If you can, try to get kids who have social capital involved in leading that conversation, because the research shows the kids who have the social capital are going to drive that behavior and can help air it out.<\/p>

When I do this, I split kids into small groups and have them talk about the problem. Often there\u2019s a bunch of kids who are upset about something, but they don\u2019t really know what to say or how to handle it. So, they do nothing, but during these small conversations, they can talk about the issue, potential solutions, what they need, and their expectations.<\/p>

Next, I have them in those small groups write all of their ideas on sticky notes, then walk around and put the sticky notes up on the classroom walls. Then I have the kids walk around and choose their favorite potential solution and share it with the class. It\u2019s a way to strip away the social risk of saying what they personally need.<\/p>

TUTT:<\/strong> How can schools get started doing this type of work?<\/p>

FAGELL:<\/strong> You can use the foundation of whatever social-emotional or anti-bullying program you\u2019re already using, but incorporate actual scenarios from your own school setting. Use the problematic things kids in your school are saying that you want to target as examples.<\/p>

And most importantly: Focus on teaching social skills, rather than framing conversations around what not to do.<\/p>

That\u2019s one of the reasons I don\u2019t like typical anti-bullying programs: All those programs do is focus on identifying bullying and what not to do.<\/p>

You\u2019re better off bolstering all of those other skills; then you\u2019ll have less bullying in the first place.<\/p>

TUTT:<\/strong> So then schools are addressing root causes around different negative behaviors, not just focusing on bullying, is that correct?<\/p>

FAGELL:<\/strong> Yes. Social conflict doesn\u2019t start with bullying, which is really an external expression of anger.<\/p>

So social conflict prevention needs to start from a place of internal peace: the ability to sit with discomfort, the ability to enter a conversation, the ability to say something that is funny but isn\u2019t mean, the ability to give somebody a compliment.<\/p>

All of those things play into whether or not there will be a conflict in the first place. If we want a more harmonious school environment where middle schoolers feel that sense of belonging we know they so badly need, then we need to give them the skills to interact with one another in healthy ways and not wait and target the stuff that leaks out at the end.<\/p>

TUTT:<\/strong> Where do you see this work fitting into the school day?<\/p>

FAGELL:<\/strong> Everywhere. In a math class. A history class. It doesn\u2019t matter. Relational needs are everything to this age group.<\/p>

Have them turn and talk, have them teach the class, have them give feedback on whether an assignment is working for them. Make time to develop those social skills and focus on things that are important to the kids other than the content of your class.<\/p>

Have students come up with question prompts\u2014for example, \u201cIf you could be principal for a day, what would you do?\u201d At the beginning of class, take five minutes to pull one of those prompts out and let five kids answer. You\u2019re taking time to create a scenario where two students may have to make eye contact and talk about something. Model and reflect: \u201cI love how you gave her a chance to share her opinion and didn\u2019t interrupt.\u201d<\/p>

TUTT:<\/strong> This is potentially a lot of work for busy teachers. Why is it so important during the middle school years?<\/p>

FAGELL:<\/strong> The payoff is that kids will actually be in the right headspace to learn the content.<\/p>

When a child is feeling like an outcast or like they\u2019ve been slighted\u2014whether real or perceived\u2014they\u2019re not learning. They\u2019re stuck.<\/p>

I will say that this is not work that every single teacher will feel comfortable doing. That\u2019s OK, everybody should play to their strengths. Instead, you might be somebody who decides, \u201cI\u2019m going to pay closer attention to what my students tell me and write it down, so I can circle back and let them know they have me as a trusted person.\u201d Or \u201cI\u2019m going to pay attention to student dynamics. I\u2019m not comfortable jumping in, but I can mention it to the counselor.\u201d<\/p>

This is not one-size-fits-all work. However, it\u2019s not work that can be left just to a counselor or to a single social-emotional lesson.<\/p>

\u00a0<\/p>

By<\/em>\u00a0<\/em>Paige Tutt<\/em><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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INFORMACI\u00d3N ORIGINAL \u2192<\/a><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Everyday conflict can get in the way of academics in the middle grades. Kids need to learn the essential social competencies that will allow them to get back to productive learning. By Paige Tutt When she speaks to young teens and their parents about middle school, Phyllis Fagell likes to share a few data points\u2014and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":15,"featured_media":8048,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[82,83,84,85,86,87],"tags":[88,89,90,91,92,93,94],"class_list":["post-9396","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articulos-en","category-interes-general-en","category-preparatoria-en","category-primaria-en","category-profesores-en","category-secundaria-en","tag-blogolinca-en","tag-bullying-en","tag-estres-en","tag-olinca-en","tag-olincaexcelenciaeducativa-en","tag-olincaformacion-en","tag-psicologia-en"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nNot All Conflict is Bullying: Teaching Students the Difference - Instituto Educativo Olinca | Ciudad de M\u00e9xico<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Everyday conflict gets in the way, kids need to learn the social competencies that will allow them to get back to productive learning.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.olinca.edu.mx\/en\/2023\/11\/09\/not-all-conflict-is-bullying\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Not All Conflict is Bullying: Teaching Students the Difference\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Everyday conflict can get in the way of academics in the middle grades. 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